Why do I have to write something down? Why can’t I just let words be and live their life wherever they want, without me burning their prints on paper, like some precious deep pyro engraving? I keep having this need to turn words into matter, this desire to dig and get dirty with vocables and smear letters all over my palms as if that way my palms would be more important and my lips more precious for bearing on them a thick glossy layer of poetry. I stare into the sunlight until my retina hurts, burnt with photons, and I seek like an idiot for a word to make it sound like the absolute miracle, lying to myself that after I’d find it I’d stop and admire its naked perfection, when I know far too well that I wouldn’t, because after finding it I would start to build it shrines and altars and I would cover it in the cheap lace of my imagination, smelling like jasmine and sand, and I would pin it down on paper, caging it thus and crippling it of its flight. Yes, crippling, because no matter how big my craftsmanship would be, and no matter how thick the paper and how fluid my ink, I still wouldn’t be able to capture the entire beauty of that word, and I would have to hide the bleeding and the deformity caused by my pen under layers of metaphors. And I would rejoice upon others’ awe in front of my mastery as a meaning mutilator while the word would simply linger and yearn for its original freedom, for the time when it was not encased in paper and ink and it just fed on my breath and on your breath, flying like a weightless beauty that it was…so you see, it’s a good thing that I can’t find that word…craving it is enough for a lifetime guilt…

© Liliana Negoi


author’s note: don’t take this ad litteram :)…or do…:)

One Response to “penitent”
  1. granbee says:

    Lili, wonderful cogitations on desire for “that one certain word” you share here with us today. We writers certainly know how you feel? But the reward is in the SEEKING, I have found. Thank for this beautifully descriptive post today of our hungry seeking.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: