morning thoughts

the wheels are rolling…

the night still reigns upon the earth, I can still see the stars in the dark sky…I look around and ask myself what am I doing in this world…what am I needed for…tears start falling from my eyes as my mind hurts…am I of any use here?…I feel so lost…so unnecessary…

…and the wheels keep rolling…

nobody near, just me in a rolling car, on the highway, in a wide plain…I would turn on the radio, but I fear the sounds would tear me apart…so I don’t…I just look ahead of me, thinking about the things that, all together, form my life… I have searched every corner of my soul for answers, but I still have the feeling that I’m looking in the wrong direction…or that I’m not looking at all… how empty can one person feel inside their self?…

…and the wheels keep rolling…

I simply want to hide some place where nobody would find me…I wish I could become invisible to all around me…maybe that way I could pretend that I don’t exist anymore, and then the pain would go away…or not…I feel the tears knitting their paths along my cheeks…

…and the wheels keep rolling…

I need to talk to someone…but since there is nobody around, I start praying…

“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy Name…”…yes, Father, to You I turn now…in this moment…to Your Name and to Your Holy Being…please, make me understand myself in this hour of mists …help me find what truly defines my being… and as the thoughts keep crashing like ice waves on the cold empty walls of my mind, I try to focus on the basics…like, for instance, the first thing that should define me, my own name…the name is the first gift we receive after being born…in time I was given so many names…each one more precious and meaningful than the other…starting with “daughter” and “sister”…then “friend” and “mate”…and “lover”…and “wife”…and “mother”…but the way my soul is tormented right now I don’t know what name I bear in this very moment…

“Thy kingdom come…”…maybe if it did, there wouldn’t be all that suffering around…maybe the ways in Your kingdom are easier, though unknown to us…maybe there are no ways at all…or maybe we just shut ourselves inside the walls of our own hearts, like inside a dungeon, refusing to look around and to see what truly matters in this world…refusing to accept the power of a simple word or touch…You know, dear Lord, the thing that worries me the most about these simple words is what if Thy kingdom already came and we are closing our eyes stubbornly so that we don’t see it?…what if we don’t like how Your kingdom looks like?…

“Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven…”…Your will, Father…of which we have no true knowledge at all…of which we can only assume what it is…or of which we always hope that it is the same with our will…since You decided to endow us with the gift of “free will”, our lives have been covered with doubts and hopes and questions…questions to which we try to find the answers, but there are times when we find the answers so late that in the mean time we forget the questions that were tormenting us in the first place…and we start our quest all over again…

“Give us this day our daily bread…”…I hate this line…actually, not the line itself, but the way it sounds, so very selfish… please, don’t misunderstand me, dear Lord, it is good for a child to know that he can ask for what he needs from his Father…but we always know how to ask…we never know how to thank for what we receive, how to show our gratitude for what we are being granted…even if what we receive is something important or not…maybe this phrase should be turned into “thank You for our daily bread”…or something like that…

“And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us…”…no, Lord, actually we don’t know how to forgive…we only know how to accuse…I have done things in my life so far that I am not proud of…we all have done those, and we all should remember that when we point at each other for what we call “wrong deeds”…maybe You should endow us with some sort of mirror, so that we see not only the straw in the eyes of others, but also the beam in ours…and to remember that “all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword”…

“And lead us not into temptation…”…but life is the greatest temptation of all…we are already here…and in our greed, we always want more…and more…and more…and the only real excuse is that life is a gift that we receive without asking for and that we give without being asked for…

“but deliver us from evil…”…the true evil is the one inside each person…the one that prevents love to come up to the surface…and all I want is a way to find that love inside me…show me that way…or send me one of Your angels to show me…and right when I’m thinking that, I feel as if some fog is lifted from my eyes…You already did that, didn’t You?…when You have sent me the people in my life, again and again and again – my parents, my husband, my sons, my friends…and suddenly I realize that my life already has a shape…the shape of love…

“for Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.”

…and the wheels keep rolling…

a comforting peace descends over my troubled soul…a shy ray of sun is trying to go through the clouds at the horizon…a new day is here…I look at the sun rising through the tears in my eyes…and I remember my family…and I remember those who love me and whom I love…

…the wheels keep rolling…

and I am alive again…

© Liliana Negoi

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